I'm pretty sure I can take a Prius in a fight.

So I'm walking to the grocery store during my new morning routine to grab some breakfast and get some exercise in at the same time, the soulful voice of Chuck Norris singing the theme song from Walker Texas Ranger in my head, when I walk past a parking lot entrance and am almost hit by a Prius. The odd little lady who was driving it seemed to be a bit angry that I was occupying the space where her car should be, even though I was there first. After a brief stare down, I moved out of the way and allowed her to pass. It was at that moment that I started weighing my odds against the compact menace that was the Prius.

1) Weight - The weight advantage would go to the Prius, as I'm not constructed of plastics and metals. However, I'm pretty sure that if the same thing had occured 6 months ago, I probably would have had the advantage in this category.

2) Height - I definitely take the advantage here. The Prius came just about up to the bottom of my chest. I think that if I were to lay down flat next to the vehicle, I'd still have it beat by a few inches. Those cars are pretty tiny.

3) Reach - Advantage: Me. I have a wing span of about 6 and a half feet, where as the Prius doesn't have arms. You could count its front tires as arms, I suppose, but even then they don't extend past the body.

4) Agility - I also take the win here, mainly due to the fact that I can jump without the assistance of a ramp and a stunt driver. Even then, I think I would take this category.

5) Speed - This is a tough one. Sure, if the Prius has room to excellerate, it will go much faster than I'm capable of going. However, there's not much room to speed up in a boxing ring, so I think I would hold the advantage here.

6) Psychology - This is pretty much a draw, mainly due to the car's inability to speak and my inability to effectively communicate words that a car can understand.

The main reason I think I would win, however, is my opposable thumbs. They give me the ability to grab baseball bats I could use to beat the car down with.

I'm open to any opinions you all may have on this, but I'm 97% positive I would win the fight.

Adventure!

I was sitting around the apartment, bored off my ass and tired of just sitting and killing time until I had to be at work. I longed for an adventure. I hopped into the car and headed to where I knew there would be plenty of entertainment today. The Brandon Town Center.

For those that are unfamiliar with the Brandon Town Center, this is the largest mall in Florida. The structure itself is visible from space. It encompasses well over 2 miles of consumerism and features not one, but TWO Starbucks within pissing distance of each other. (This holds true if you are capable of peeing through walls.) I went to the Pantera Bread on the outskirts of the monolith and set myself in a decent spot for watching the crowd.

Above: Pantera Bread in Brandon Town Center

The mall itself was a wretched hive of scum and douchebaggery. Abercrombie as far as the eye could see. Mothers dressed as if they were wanting to be tracked down by the folks at MilfHunter strolling with their inappropriately dressed daughters returning gifts given to them from the heart for "something they really wanted." I understand returning an item if you got a double gift or if someone bought you clothes that don't fit, but because someone didn't get you just what you wanted seems to be kind of shallow to me.

Anyway, I sipped my coffee and enjoyed some broccoli cheese soup, noting the vapid conversation going on around me, as if the dialogue from Juno had lost all of it's charm and humor and was re-written by Billy Mays in an effort to make his knock-off Bedazzler sound cooler. There was preening abound as twenty-somethings primed themselves for mating season. I had to force myself not to go around un-popping collars, as my trip was merely for analytical purposes.

Above: approximation of average guy walking around Brandon Town Center

To avoid being swept into the crowd of fake tans and designer clothing, I left the mall, watching 3 near deaths in the parking lot before making my way out of my parking space 20 minutes later.

It was a nice reminder as to why I avoid that place at all costs, but a valuable life lesson none the less.

Big Head Todd

It has been over a year since I've washed up on the shore. It's been quite the adventure. I've switched jobs, focused on classes, honed my skills, and went through the Quickening. I've had my heart ripped out and beaten, twice, and it is now kept in a box I have buried just outside of Poughkeepsie. Ladies, get your shovels. To those of you that will continue reading my blogs, I thank you. To those of you who don't read my blog, you'll never see this, so rest secure knowing that I've probably said some fairly horrible things about your mother. For those that are new to my blogging, it's usually not for the weak or easily offended.

Now, on to the subject of this blog. The character I have dubbed Big Head Todd until I can think of a better one. I am currently in the middle of a 6 week training class for my new job. The trainer is some guy who's about as old as I am, looks 12, has a severe Napoleon complex, and isn't too fond of yours truely. But that will be another blog for another time. The current barnacle keeping my ship from sailing properly is a fellow who may or may not be in his mid 40s. His admitted past of heavy drug abuse could have aged him and he may well be 17, but I never bothered to ask. I do what I can to avoid conversation with him. His head is roughly the size of an overinflated basket ball and he's one of those characters that has something to say about everything, which in my experience means he knows nothing about anything.

He has the voice of someone who has smoked since he was in the womb, and it constantly says stupid, time wasting things. I'm very curious as to how he made it through the interview without the person doing the interview stabbing him repeatedly with the closest piece of office equipment that would do the job. You can't mention a thing to him without his wanting to "one up" everything.

I will elaborate further on later a later occasion, as right now I'm going cross-eyed from thinking about it.