Dark Force Rising

I sit on a mountain top staring straght ahead at a brilliant sunset. To the left of me, dark clouds gather. To the right, the sky is clear and blue. There is no real word for the sensation that I'm feeling as I watch the charcoal smear ever closer to blocking the sun. Breakers of the past crash against cliffs of the present. The future, as always, uncertain. Echoing images of random happiness resonate through my mind, the fleeting moments where the deceptive Everything made sense. Everything is a liar. Everything is a whore. Everything wants me to miss it. Where is the glorious Nothing? The sensation of no sensation? Where joy is eternal, for there is Nothing to harm, Nothing to remember, Nothing to regret. The thunderheads roll, and I feel the reverberation in my core. When the lightning erupts and bursts from my being, perhaps then there will follow peace.

I have no peace.

What the world needs now is an asteroid.

I've been bored. And when bored my mind wanders towards all kinds of possibilities. Today, it found this....if by some odd chance the movies are at all accurate in this, the world needs an alien invasion or an asteroid/meteorite/comet. Preferably both. As I watch movies such as Armageddon, Deep Impact, The Core, Independance Day, and Stuart Saves his Family, I realize that despite all the disagreements and religion in the world, we can all be united under one common goal if the well being of the planet is threatened.

It is in this that I have also decided that Super Villains are the true heroes, because they are always trying to find a way to destroy/take over a planet, which inevitably means the world will have to unite to stop them. And the Super Heroes are actually bad, because they jump in at the last minute, quelling the villains plans, and causing the world to once again crumble into chaos and madness.

So, for the good of humanity, I announce my campaign to become the worlds first true super villain, and crush the armies of the world beneath my iron fist, and uniting all of man kind in a fantasy land of rainbows and puppy dogs. What are we doing tonight? The same thing we will be doing every night, Pinky...trying to take over the world!

Ok, I'll openly admit, I loved the Osbornes. But since they became a surprise success, it has opened up the costipated bowels of the television industry to start crapping out more of these 'inside the lives of has been celebrities' shows. Here's a look at the current or soon to be list of abortions available to be viewed by the halfwits. (My condolences if your favorite show is listed here. I'm sure there's a gun show somewhere that can help you ease your pain):

Britney & Kevin "Chaotic" - Smelling her has been status just over the horizon, Britney Spears and Kevin Spears (don't know his last name, but as he's the woman in the realtionship, technically his last name changes) hop on the celebrity tv bandwagon. I'm assuming her love of eating the souls of young girls is being edited out for content.

Chasing Farrah - Follow the life of a trashy old sexpot who still thinks she's 25.

The Cut - Tommy Hilfigers competition to enter his Nazi bootcamp

Dancing with the Stars - The most without a doubt retarded concept I've ever seen for a show. It's been #1 in the ratings for weeks.

The Gastineau Girls - Who the fuck are they?

Growing up Gotti - What better way to maintain plausible deniability in a families underworld activities than to have their lives televised for all to see.

Hit me Baby - Apparently they're competing for charity. Last time I checked, Vanilla Ice was a charity.

I Married a Princess - Catherine Oxenberg, her Hollywood husband Casper Van Dien...I believe their strapping down Alex now, my droogs.

I Want to Be a Hilton - Here's a chiuauah, a sheet you can form into a dress, and a video camera with night vision. Have a field day, ya dirty whore.

Knieval's Wild Ride - Watch as he consumes a ton of booze and pisses his life down the drain.

Kill Reality - You'd think this show would have some promise, what with the title, but no, it's the jackasses that were on reality shows before trying to prove they have more talent. You know, I believe there is a God, but this here is making me question my faith.

and the list goes ON and ON til you get to these 3 gems due to be rotting minds everywhere -

Hogan Knows Best - If the show includes groping other men, applying bronzer, bleaching hair, and flexing, then I guess the title is applicable.

Tommy Lee Goes to College - A study in the breakout of Hepititis C among college students.

and last but not least: Being Bobby Brown.

That's right folks. See what life is like behind all the glitz, the glamor, the media hyped glory. Bobby and Whitney SHOPPING and smoking weed. I can't beat my head against the desk enough. This shit is going to make Jessica Simpson's "is it chicken or tuna" moment look like sheer brilliance. I'm almost convinced her agent is behind this...

I hate televangelists

I wake up this morning with the charlatain speak on my television. It irritated me. Now, I believe there is a God, and I'm pretty sure he doesn't want his name spread by irritating used car salesmen making way too much money off the simple minded. And THIS guy is offering "Free Miracle Spring Water" to those that call in and make a pledge. His name is Peter Popoff(and no that's not a joke) and I'd like all of you to join me in sending the Lord's Wrath to his prayer request. Warning: His site has pop up ads. Go figure.

And here is my tribute to televangelists, thanks to the Big Boys.

ID4

This day has really lost all meaning. It's all about jackasses getting drunk and blowing themselves up with chinese fireworks. (if you don't see the communist conspiracy here, you need to get your eyes checked.) And while we're all "oooooh"-ing and "ahhhh"-ing and "Pass me another PBR"-ing, does anyone aside from Nicholas Cage really appreciate what happened to make this country the way it is? We were the underdogs. The rebels. 13 colonies, an army made up of mostly farmers, going up against England, who was the strongest nation in the known world. And all of it hinged on one man. One man who stood up and made a difference. Mel Gibson. If it hadn't been for him being pissed off over Heath Ledger dying, America wouldn't be here today. So, I say this. Thank you, Australlia. Thank you for your sacrifice.


And let us not forget our country's greatest hero. Bill Pullman. A president who led us through difficult times, the destruction of major cities, and alien invasion. And through all this, he saved us all by sending Harry Connick Jr. (and his movie career) to his doom. God bless you Bill. *tear*

He'll flip ya. Flip ya for real.

Holy shit. I think I have a job. Those of you that know me know I've recently moved back to Florida due to the massive amounts of legal problems I was having in TX. (Where the state motto is "Come for vacation, leave with probation.") The search for work has been a difficult one, and was about to settle for a role as Dante at the local Circle K. So today I get an email from a guy at a local telecommunications company who saw my resume and wants to offer me a management position. So, I want to know...who leaked the nice gay gentleman hiring me the information about my penis size?

Fun with Insomnia!

I know I'm not the only one who feels that there needs to be controlled breeding. In fact...there needs to be controlled dating. I mean, think about this. People have been going on and on about the over population of homes in the trailer parks and inner cities, and they're assuming rampant procreation is the cause. But...it has to start somewhere, doesn't it? Tonight, as I struggle with the concept that I'm probably not sleeping, I saw something. Something very disturbing. Two people, and it's a stretch calling them that...in the beginning stages of a relationship. This is the kind of relationship that Roman Polansky was thinking about when he came up with the ending of "Rosemary's Baby." The male, who we will refer to heretoforth as Lummox, is the standard muscleheaded oaf that was so grandly portrayed by the character Ogre in "Revenge of the Nerds." The female, who from this point on will be referred to as Ick, is your standard candidate for surly walmart cashier. Mental imagery all set? Perfect.

Now, here's the natural progression of things from this point. There's always some kind of dating ritual, even on a minor scale. In the average relationship, it's usually a few nights on the town, which, if everything works out, leads to a little of the ol PROTECTED in-out, in-out. After a certain amount of time, the average couple gets married, and when stable, has children. Now, in situations similar to Lummox and Ick, the courtship is usually short, laying between the "Gimme dat pussy now bitch" scenario or an evening of Steven Segal movies, Tony's microwave pizzas, and PBR. After which follows fornication. Now, it seems that the women that fit the same category as Ick tend to become easily impregnated. This results in an abnormal amount of children.

All of this ties back to one thing. The Origin. The meeting. The point where Lummox and Ick stared across the "Used Chewing Gum of the Stars" stand at the local flea market, locked eyes, and decided to, for lack of better term, get drunk and fuck. So, the key to preventing the overload of children that aren't getting the required attention from adults is to prevent these two from meeting. It's like, seeing the after effects of a plane crash, but being able to go back and prevent the pilot from drinking. My solution? Standardized testing and house arrest for those that don't pass. They will not be allowed to communicate with the opposite sex outside of the internet.

Ok, maybe my idea is somewhat fascist. And I apologize. But I really want my service to improve at Wal-Mart.

A Nightmare Realized

Now, I know I'll end up catching flack from the "remember the 80's" crowd on this, but...Saved by the Bell? What the fuck? Has anyone actually really watched this show? Ok, let's do a character run down: First and formost, there's Zack...possibly the most annoying front man presence in TV history next to the television rendition of Ferris Bueller. Parker Lewis would take both these jagoffs out in a Triple Threat Hell in the Cell match. The preppy, witty asides to the audience are just..why? They're horribly unneccesary. I'm half convinced the canned laughter at this point was out of spite. I have to think this was the first point in my life where I actually wanted to see a live beheading.

Next? Screech. The name alone is like fingernails on a chalk board. If I remember correctly, nerds were supposed to be SMART! This cat wasn't just socially awkward, he was an IDIOT! Ok, atleast with some of these highschool smartass shows, the Dork character had some redeeming qualities...Jerry? He had that trench coat with everything known to man in it. Screech? Hair. That's about it.

A.C. Slater. I've never wanted to strangle a man with his own entrails before. The Jock character. I will admit, as far as jocks go, he fit it to a tee. Irritatingly smug, dumber than a post, and possibly gay. And I don't know who the actor is, but I'd be willing to bet he's doing softcore porn on Skinemax.

Speaking of softcore porn, hello Jessie. Lovingly referred to as "legs". Now here's where things got weird. She played the hot smart chick, and later went on to be a whore in Showgirls. I know EVERYONE knows someone who ended up like this. She's probably the most true to life character on the show, next to Mr.Belding, the highschool principal who pokes the prep squad in the doo doo hole while peeping at the video camera in the boys lockerroom.

Lisa. The Token Black Character. WHO IS WHITER THAN EVERYONE ON THE SHOW! She makes Screech look like Shaft! The big issue on one show? Jessie found out her grandparents were slave traders. Lisa? DIDN'T CARE! Why? Because HER ancestors were probably slave traders too. I don't think anyone on this show pissed me off more. Usually, a token character of a different color (Be it black, white, mexican) is on the show to provide diversity of thought. Lisa? NOTHING! No, "You white folk are crazy!" NOTHING! Hell, Lisa was probably a card carrying clan member.

The Tiffany Amber Theissen Character who was so dull I couldn't even remember her name. So, I'll refer to her as Steve. The Cheerleader. Where the fuck was Jason Vorhees, Mike Meyers, and Freddy Krueger when you actually needed them. This character was so forgettable, I can't even think of a reason to hate her other than her being a cheerleader.

So there's your cast. Why the hell was this show on for as long as it was? And more important, why did I sit and watch it when I woke up this morning.

I have sold out.

I couldn't help it. I felt so alone. Everyone has blogs now. I was standing all by myself in the frozen tundra, when the ghost of Frank Sinatra appeared. He said he'd kick my ass if I didn't conform to the current trend and post my thoughts and observations in a manner that was entertaining and informative to almost noone but myself. When I asked him how he would kick my ass, what with him being dead and all, he said "I'm Frank, baby. I'll do whatever I damn well please."

So because of this, I am now posting my 2 cents on the web in a forum where the man can't keep me down. I will be updating this as the mood strikes me.