Your daughter's a whore. Here's why.

All you see on the news is Lindsay Lohan's latest arrest, what psychological scars Britney Spears has managed to inflict on her children, and Paris Hilton getting slapped on the wrist for severe traffic violations. Then you see the same living the sweet life and whoring it up on MTV or whatever. Throw in the crap shows that that channel produces (i.e. Laguna Beach and that crap with the spoiled rich 16 yr olds), and they're being inundated with the message that being a spoiled little whore is socially acceptable. Even the daughters of our President, who by his own account is about as close to God as the Pope, are slutting it up in college. Girls Gone Wild make millions off this sort of thing. (I'm still waiting on someone to release a Girls Get Sensible DVD series where they are broken down crying trying to explain to their parents why they're on TV showing their goods and making out with other girls. That'll be a seller!)

I blame the media. There are plenty of the Hollywood celeb girls that AREN'T doing stupid shit. You never hear about that. Natalie Portman is a strong, outspoken member of FINCA International, a nonprofit group that helps women in impoverished countries start their own businesses. You never see anything about this. If you do, it's just a brief flash on the news or a blurb in an obscure magazine article. You also never hear about her driving her car into a pedestrian, then drunkenly blaming said pedestrian for spilling her cocaine all over the inside of her overpriced SUV. Hilary Duff is an animal rights enthusiast and a member of Kids with a Cause. She has donated $250,000 to help the victims of Hurricane Katrina. She traveled to a New Orleans elementary school and worked with USA Harvest to distribute meals. In 2005, she donated over 2.5 million meals to Hurricane Katrina victims in the south. Didn't hear jack about this either, did you? Even Christian Aguilera, who is essentially a singing stripper, does a massive amount of charity work, including work for the abused women's shelter in her home town of Pittsburg. So why don't we hear anything about the good stuff?

The news doesn't sell 'good.' Apparently if the news gets low ratings, it will be cancelled or something. Like that would ever happen. News programs should be the one avenue on TV that doesn't have to cater to the ratings crowd. They should just be able to report. But that doesn't happen. Instead, all our young women in this country are hit with a never ending wave of crap that tells them that if they ever want to make it, be cool, be accepted, they better start being little gold digging bitches in tiny shorts.

Once again, I weep for the future.

Finally, the Rock has come back to The Realm of Employment!

It has been close to 9 months since I quit/got fired from The HD Call center. 9 months of applications and resumes, tests and background checks, rejections and turn downs and I finally found a job that will work with me on my school schedule and not give me shit. Is it a dream job? No. It's working front desk at a small electronics store. The downside: All customer service is pretty much face to face. The upside: Not that much in the way of customers coming in. Pay isn't great, but they said they'd raise it after 90 days. Best part? I can wear jeans and t-shirts and not have some khaki wearing polo-shirted pawn of the establishment give me shit about it. No, it's not the dream job, but I'll tell ya, it'll work for now.

Please, Comedy Central, get rid of Mencia.

Mind of Mencia, the Comedy Central show hosted by Carlos Mencia, has quite possibly become the most ridiculous show on television. It's completely lost it's humor, and it didn't have much to work with. For those of you that aren't familiar with him or his show, Carlos Mencia is a stand-up comic who focuses mainly on stereotypes of races and sexual preferences. It's really all the material he has. He's been openly accused of plagiarism from several comedians, including Joe Rogan and George Lopez.

The main complaint I have is that he's just not funny. His material is contrived and has become tired. Any shock value that would have been gained from some of his more outrageous comments is lost in predictability. With Mexicans, it's lawn jokes. Blacks, chicken and watermelons. Jews, the penny pincher bit. It's stale.

I have a feeling that Comedy Central keeps this show going because Mencia is willing to do the bullshit that Dave Chappelle bailed on. You know, the overstereotypical race humor that Chappelle was originally trying to counteract. That's why Chappelle was so monumentally successful. He broke the stereotypes. His humor was misleadingly intelligent. Mencia is out in the field beating dead horses, and is doing it under the guise of defending free speech.

There have been some good shows on Comedy Central that just go missing. They could bring some of them back. Hell, they could re-run yet another episode of MAD TV. Even fill it with dead air. Anything would be better than that show.

The Last Legion

On paper, this is a good film. The story follows the young last emperor of Rome as he flees his fallen homeland, led by a priest, the last of his guards, and a dishonored assassin of Alexander's empire. It is basically the telling of the story of Uther Pendragon, the rise of Camelot, and the tale behind Excalibur. As interesting as this could have been, shoddy direction, poorly executed effects and a few bouts of bad casting/acting completely ruined it. This isn't to say that the movie was entirely bad. Ben Kingsley was excellent, and Collin Firth was pretty good as an aging Marcus Aurelius. The eastern assassin lady, whom I originally rolled my eyes at during the trailer, actually wasn't terrible. Not that the character fit in well, but she definitely could have been worse. It was much more believable than Kiera Knightly's "Legolas" rendition of Guenevere in 2004's "King Arthur." She also added a necessary bit of eye-candy without having to resort to the obligatory "naked in a waterfall" technique that usually hits these movies. In a rare move for these epic historical films, they sprinkled in a few moments of comic relief, which did make me chuckle a bit, but sort of detracted from the movie. The real problem with this film falls with the evil guy at the end of the film. He's bad enough to where I can't remember his name, nor did I care enough to figure out who the actor was. I know the character's name began with a "V", that's about it. The special effects didn't add anything to the film, either. The fireballs and arrows looked fake, even by 90's CG standards. If you're set on seeing this film, wait until it shows up on TNT or TBS or something in a few months.

Superbad = Funniest Movie of the last 5 years.

Go to any video store and you'll find at least 300 goof-ball high school comedies. Take every conceivable funny moment from those comedies, turn them to 11, and you've got Superbad. Seth Rogan and Evan Goldberg penned this film that is both hilarious and nostalgic, vulgar and poignant. It does so without the "high school comedy" stereotypes that usually plague these films. There's no cocky jock or unattainable cheerleader characters. It focuses more on the awkwardness of the late teen years and does so terrifically. Jonah Hill (I Heart Huckabees, Knocked Up) and Michael Cera ("Arrested Development") star as Seth and Evan, 2 life long school friends who face going to separate colleges after graduation. Jonah plays Seth perfectly as the foul mouthed, sexually fixated ball of hormones, and Cera pulls off the "be respectful to women" foil like he lived it himself. Throw in a geeky kid with a fake I.D. and 2 police officers trying to prove that "cops are cool" and you've got one hell of a comedy.

The jokes are over the top, the physical humor manages to stretch beyond "foot to crotch" (though that does happen a bit), and the chemistry between the characters gels incredibly well. Definitely check this one out in the theaters or whatever.


On the opposite end of the spectrum is Kickin' it Old Skool. Jaime Kennedy plays a 32 yr old who was in a coma for the last 20 years. While watching this movie, you envy the scenes where he's on life support. The concept is kind of like Big meets Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo, but without the sentimentalism of Breakin' or the sweet break dancing action of Big. It has a few moments where you chuckle, but nothing to write home about. It was essentially like watching Malibu's Most Wanted, but centered more around break dancing than gangsta rap. Thankfully I didn't pay to see this, and didn't have anything better I could have been doing, or I probably would have started cutting myself about half way through it. I will say that the dance offs were well choreographed, and the first 10 minutes of the movie had enough 80s cultural references to give a glimmer of hope to the movie, but that just added to the let down that came with the rest of the movie. Just to give you an idea of how bad it was, David Hasselhoff's cameo appearance is the funniest part of the movie. So if you're in the mood to lose the will to live, give this one a go.

Kurt Loder is an idiot.

You guys remember Kurt Loder? For those that don't, Kurt Loder is the current head of the MTV News department. He's been a staple of the MTV News since the late 80s and is apparently close friends with Madonna. His big news moment was being the first person to break the news of Kurt Cobain's suicide. He's also a contributing editor of Rolling Stone Magazine and co-wrote the Tina Turner biography.

Kurt Loder is also a complete idiot.

See, my college shows Fox News on all the televisions. Why? No idea. I guess they want to lighten the break area up with some fiction. Anyway, as I stepped in the doors of the school not 10 minutes ago, one of the 'eye candy' anchors that the news channels have hired to boost ratings was interviewing Mr. Loder. Why? Because Kurt Loder is railing against universal health care.

Kurt Loder. Speaking against universal health care. I figure some HMO dropped some coin in his pocket to try to appeal to the 'MTV Generation' and make the concept of socialized health care seem 'uncool.' All he's doing is sitting there spewing the same bullshit dogma we keep hearing about waiting lists and tax hikes, except making it insulting by saying that "young people don't understand it's not free."

According to most sources, the MTV Generation includes the tail end of Generation X and the first crop of Generation Y, essentially those born in the latter half of the 70's and the beginning of the 80s. I fall into the first half. And I'm not an idiot.

Everyone knows that in order to get government provided health care, taxes will increase. Everyone also knows that - even with employee benefits - you have to pay for health care through insurance anyway. To have Kurt Loder, who has about as much social impact as Dustin Diamond, go on Fox News and start preaching like he's a man of importance about an issue to which he has no frame of reference is moronic. Everyone knows about the 'waiting list' issue. What they don't tell you is the 'waiting lists' are for elective surgeries. The procedures that are critical get taken care of when they need to. The ones that can wait go on a list. It's better than having to wait for the OK from an insurance company that doesn't want to part with your money for something you need.

In closing, they need to put Kurt Loder back under the Viacom rock they found him under and never ask his opinion on anything of political and social relevance again.

Thank you, and good night.

Best. Video. Ever.

First off, let me just say how much I hate Panic At the Disco. No, it's not because I'm getting old and think that all new music sucks. It's that I have musical taste and can say - unflinchingly - that 85% of the new music that craps through the radio sucks. Panic At the Disco is just the same rehashed emo garbage that, for some god awful reason, appears to appeal to the kids. I really can't tell the difference between Panic At the Disco and Fall Out Boy, other than Panic tries to church up their shitty songs by giving them longer titles and Fall Out Boy ruined a perfectly good Simpsons reference by taking the name for their shitty band. That being said, I hope you enjoy this video that was shown to me by my pal El Dewsio, who added the subtitle:

New lyrics:

i chime in with "have a fucking bottle in the face you cunt" it's much better to see this kind of thing live at a fucking concert

It's just around the corner

Considering the anniversary of the event that Rudy Giuliani is basing his entire campaign on is right around the corner, I thought I'd take some time and post a link to 'Loose Change.' If you haven't seen this, it's pretty compelling. While you do have to take some of it with a grain of salt, they have some very good arguments.

I should warn you that anyone who watches this is pretty much deemed a conspiracy nut, and you'll recieve a phone call from Hannity & Colmes after it ends telling you 'seven days.' You'll be fine. I will also say that this film is given instant credibility because Fox News will lash out vehemently at anyone who sites it or any of the theories contained within. That should tell you how close to the truth this film actually gets. (on a side note, Fox News wouldn't know 'fair and balanced' if it was tattooed on Bill O'Riley's forehead.) At the end of the film, they have plenty of links you can go to to do your own research and decide for yourself.

My favorite argument is about the Osama video. I'm not going to spoil it, but after watching this, you really...really...have to question what the hell we're doing over seas.

So kick back, grab some pop corn, and...one way or another...prepare to be outraged.

First Biggie and Tupac, and now...

The music world is in turmoil with the retirement of M.C. Rove. Though his music career was brief, it was steeped in the kind of sinister street cred that even the most hard core 'gangsta' rap artist strives for. His lyrics consisted of nothing more than "M.C. Rove," but those simple words launched him into the Hip Hop Parthenon, much like Lil Jon. I think no broadcast truly captured the moment as well as this one:

Lobbyists are people too.

"I see in the near future a crisis approaching that unnerves me and causes me to tremble for the safety of my country. . . . corporations have been enthroned and an era of corruption in high places will follow, and the money power of the country will endeavor to prolong its reign by working upon the prejudices of the people until all wealth is aggregated in a few hands and the Republic is destroyed."

-- U.S. President Abraham Lincoln, Nov. 21, 1864

Hillary Clinton. Let's not beat around the Bush here. You'd be pretty hard pressed to find anyone with any kind of influence in Washington that doesn't have at least one lobby in their back pocket.

"Yes I will because, you know, a lot of those lobbyists, whether you like it or not, represent real Americans. They represent nurses. They represent social workers. Yes, they represent corporations that employ a lot of people."

-- Hillary Clinton, upon being asked about
continued acceptance of lobbyist contributions.

It doesn't matter what the reasoning is behind it. That money is essentially bribe money. It's a way to make sure that corporations and special interest groups get what they want, regardless of how it effects the rest of the country. Michael Moore attacks this pretty efficiently in "SiCKO," pointing out everyone in government who is taking money from HMO lobbyists (including Bush and Hillary), and how that's helped dampen the rally cry for universal health coverage.

So where do I go from here?

I'm seriously at the point where I'm just going to vote for the person that is most likely to give late night talk show hosts the best material:

Colon Cleansing

"This town needs an enema!" - Jack Nicholson, Batman

In case you folks haven't caught the media blitz, election season is nearly upon us. To this, I say "Whoopty Shit." You can write me off as a disenfranchised Gen-Xer, anarchist, what have you, but what the hell is the point of the electoral process in this country? It has completely lost any and all meaning. We aren't even electing presidents anymore thanks to the Bush administration. I don't care if you're Democrat, Republican, or none of the above, this cat has turned the entire system into his own personal litter box, and he sure as hell won't let you scoop it. Even going beyond allowing Bush to essentially wipe his ass with the Constitution, the Declaration of Independence, the Geneva Convention, personal space, and just plain old common sense and getting to the candidates looking to swoop in during the regime change, there's really not much hope there. Why? Because as idealized and down to earth and "for the people" as each candidate may seem, as soon as that olive wreath is put on their heads, it all goes out the window. I'm not saying every candidate is full of shit. I'm sure that there are some that really and truly want to get into the White House because they feel they can make a difference. That doesn't matter anymore.The entire system has become free enterprise with lobbyists and agendas taking precedence over the common people. You know. The voters.

"People shouldn't be afraid of their governments. The government should be afraid of it's people." - Hugo Weaving, V for Vendetta.

There is no fear, nor shame, in our government. Any misstep is covered up, and those that know or attempt to correct it are set up or manage to disappear of the face of the earth. "Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed." (The Declaration of Independence) I don't remember voting on any of this mess. Don't even remember being asked. Not even a courtesy flier. The government can now do warrantless wiretapping. To tell you what a screwed up concept this is, the Microsoft integrated spell checker doesn't even recognize "warrantless" as a word. This basically means they can now just listen in on your conversations on a whim. Here's a few more gems from The Declaration of Independence. Let me know if any of this sounds vaguely familiar.

"The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

He has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.

He has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.

He has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of Representation in the Legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.

He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their Public Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.

He has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people.

He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected, whereby the Legislative Powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the People at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.

He has endeavoured to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.

He has obstructed the Administration of Justice by refusing his Assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary Powers.

He has made Judges dependent on his Will alone for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.

He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harass our people and eat out their substance.

He has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies without the Consent of our legislatures.

He has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil Power.

He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws..."

Some of those strike a chord? Sure, not all of them apply, but there are some definite similarities.

I think it's high time we flush the system that has long since become corrupt and lost it's original meaning. Toss out the old hats, the lobby sheep, the ones that have lost touch with humanity. Fill the government with actual people. People with neighbors who may have had to borrow a lawnmower. People who will put the good of the populous before the good of the pocket. People that won't be easily swayed by corporate hand outs. One things for sure, I definitely don't see Serpico in this lot of candidates. Do you?

Chapter 2.

Tank grudgingly sat up in his bed and glared moodily at his window. It didn't matter what he did, or how he covered his window, the sun always managed to find a way to hit him directly in his left eye at roughly 8:13 every morning. The window is currently covered with aluminum foil, a shade, a set of blinds, and a heavy black curtain. Somehow, the sun found a gap at the seam of the foil, bounced a ray off a framed autographed photo of Christopher Walken on the wall, which reflected the ray directly into Tank's left eye. And it sat there until he woke up. And every morning he'd finish off the bottle of water he opened the night before, and spend the first five waking minutes glaring moodily at the window and cursing quietly to himself. He ran a hand through his short, bristly red hair and stumbled through the series of empty plastic water bottles to the door of his bedroom, stretching his rail thin frame and working the creaks out as he moved. His feet shuffled grudgingly as he made his way through his apartment to the back porch.

The porch was the selling point on this apartment. The apartment itself was cramped, over-priced, and the sort of salmon color that you can only get away with in Florida. The complex was built at the edge of one of the last few untouched stretches of real estate in the Tampa area, overlooking a man made lake which touched the shores of a God made forest. And every morning Tank would sit on this porch, light a cigarette, and watch the smoke swirl around the sun as it shyly peeks over the trees, like a dog that knows it did something wrong. It was during these moments that Tank always found a way to forgive the sun for waking him up so mind-blearingly early when he really didn't need or want to be.

Tank was a pirate. Professionally. Not the swashbuckling, mutineering, looting, plundering, bucanneers that Johnny Depp has managed to repopularize, but the sort of pirate that hacks computer programs, movies, and music and manages to make a living off of it. His parents are not proud of this and tell all their friends that he's in real estate. What his family fails to understand is that he does all this legally, consulted by fairly large corporations to test their copyright protection, and manages to make a little money on the side as a benefit. And he gets to work at his own pace, usually stretching projects out for fairly longish periods to give these software companies a bit of an ego boost, thinking they've come up with a real doozie of a copyright solution. In reality, Tank could hack through just about any program they sent him in under a day.

He stood up from his chair on the porch, yawned as he slid the glass door open, and ambled to the kitchen to get a cold taco and a can of Pepsi to start his day off. As he walked to his computer, he clicked on the television in time to catch the tail end of a news story about some form of theft and the beginning of the weather. He chuckled to himself. It's summer in central Florida. Anyone who's lived in the Tampa area for at least a year could tell you what the weather's going to be like in the summer. Hot and humid in the morning, thunder storms in the afternoon and evening, with slight chance of hurricane towards the end of the week. He didn't need to see the weather. Tank immediately switched on the DVD player and popped in a copy of Brewster's Millions.

As the sounds of Richard Pryor floated through the apartment, Tank sat at his near by computer desk, listened to the soft hum of his system booting, and gave one more stretch. A picture of Angelina Jolie from Hackers greeted him as the computer finally woke up.

"Good morning, gorgeous," he said, as he did every morning. "What have we got for today?"

He clicked his e-mail short cut and waited a few seconds for all the messages to file into his inbox. This isn't to say that Tank is popular, or even that overloaded with work. He did the math in his head one morning and figured out that a full ninety-eight percent of the mail he recieved was garbage. This morning he filtered through the multiple offers for college degrees, get rich quick real estate plans that didn't require college degrees, get laid quick escort services, offers to strengthen his manly prowess (presumably for the escort service), webcam girls, and the joke emails he keeps recieving from a little old lady in Boston who thinks he's her grandchild, despite his messages politely telling her otherwise.

After narrowing the field down to the crucial two percent, he lit a cigarette and got down to business.

From: Yancy, William
PlayRight Digital Entertainment

Hello Tank! It's been a full week since we gave you that new copyright system, and we haven't heard anything back from you. I assume this time we may have finally stumped you! We'd like your feedback as soon as you get a chance. We're looking to implement this on our next DVD projects.

Tank sighed and put his standard response:

This is a tough one. I'll have to get back to you.

He went through three more of the same sort of messages from different companies until he came to one from Sunshine Systems, which caught his eye.

From: Gable, Carla
Sunshine Systems

Tank. We need the program back. We have to end the contract. Due to corporate policy, I can't go into details. We will honor the pay we owe you for the time spent working on our project, and will keep you in mind for future needs.

This was puzzling. It was also the first time since he started this sort of operation that Tank had lost a client. The situation concerned him pretty deeply too, as Sunshine Systems was not only lucrative business for him, but being local made their checks easier to cash.

Tank's mind began to swirl with self-doubt and conflict. Did he do something wrong? Did they find someone else that would work cheaper? Had Sunshine Systems been bought out? Taken over? Did they just scrap the project they'd hired him for?

At that moment, Richard Pryor shouted in front of a large crowd on the television.

"What are you gonna vote!?"

"None of the above!"

Chapter 1.

Through the clearing in the trees above, the thunderheads loomed over and stared down at him like a bunch of disappointed school marms ready to slap his wrists with a one point twenty-one gigawatt ruler. He looked at his hands in the dingy sunlight reflecting off his floating critics, clenching his fists. They felt rubbery and strange. Unfamiliar. The hands he'd known since floating in the womb twenty six years were now as warm and recognizable to him as a bleary eyed vagrant on the side of the highway. He stumbled deeper into the woods, following the sounds of the river ahead. The thunder growled it's accusations, but the wind made like a willing accomplice, pushing him forward. Encouraging him. He drove himself forward, the anxious voice in his mind telling him that everything would be alright once he made it to the river. The voice of logic sat sullenly in a small corner of his mind, realizing hours ago that he was just going to be ignored anyway.

He froze for a moment as the sound of a woman's voice flowed through the wind coming from behind him.

"For......one.....left...."

The broken phrase swirled around him like a specter, chilling him. His pulse raced. His eyes searched the surrounding woods frantically, trying to find the source. The lilting female voice sounds strangely familiar.

"For.....one....left...."

Then it hit him like a sock full of soap. When he bolted from the car, he left his door open. The voice was coming from the navigation system. He let out a relieved laugh and pressed onwards.

He picked up the pace as the sounds of the river grew louder, pushing away the branches that were trying to smack some sense into him. Lightning cracked near by with all the subtlety of knuckles in a library, causing him to pause for a moment to make sure he hadn't been punched. Continuing forward, he could make out the opposite river bank through the brush ahead. He stormed onto the small beach by the river and gave a cry of success, yelling at the sky as if to say 'I told you I'd make it!'

Now he was at a loss. His plan was pretty clear when he first ditched his car on the highway. Run through the woods and head for the river. The river always seemed to be the answer in movies. There was always some form of escape to be found there. And here he was. The fire that swelled from his small success was being extinguished by logic, who was tired of sitting in the corner and being ignored. The man looked around now, slightly panicked. Huge, stinging drops starting falling from the grim, jaundiced clouds. He was trying to form the next part of his plan. He could follow the river down stream. Or maybe he'd go upstream. Or maybe he should avoid the stream all together and just go across the river. Or maybe he should just go back to his car and face his consequences.

He knelt down by the river and stuck his hands in to scoop some water to his drying mouth. The water was cool to the touch, and his tongue could already taste the hundreds of things that water shouldn't taste like. As the liquid made contact with his mouth, the chill shot through his system like a spark, jump-starting his weary, delusional mind. He threw himself into the dirt, laughing out loud as he yanked one of his shoes off and started running around in circles, plodding a giant, confusing path through the bank of the river. He knew people would come looking for him, and when they find his car, they'd be sure to search the woods. The least he could do would be to make it confusing for them.

After a few minutes of trudging through the wet sand and dirt, he admired his handy work. That would surely throw off any would be pursuers. With a new found energy, he slid his shoe back on and started walking through the river, figuring that would be the easiest way to not leave footprints. With a sense of hope and freedom, he grinned, knowing he was a man who had just retaken control of his destiny. It was around this time that the school marms had made up their own minds about his destiny and brought their cruel ruler down.